07 May 2009

Open Letter to My Boss

Open Letter to My Boss:

Dear A,
There is something you should know. I should have disclosed this information during the interview, the background check, the second interview, the week-long employee training or even the new hire orientation. Since I did not divulge this information then I can only beg forgiveness and come clean now.

It seems that I have a Genetic Fashion Deficit (GFD) and I have known for some time. I apologize now for not confessing earlier. In truth, I hoped that my disability could live in blessed obscurity. With an ill-timed Ebay purchase, however, obscurity was not to be mine. While searching Ebay, and drunk on the power of a newly acquired paycheck, I clicked “bid on this item” before truly considering how such a purchase could affect family members, friends, clients and coworkers. The tears of laughter coming from clients as they viewed my hideous footwear is evidence that I can no longer keep my fashion dysfunction quiet any longer.

Up above you can view the horror I have described here. One can only hope that now, as sandal season approaches I can darken the doorstep of our office in more fashion-forward choices.

One can only hope.

I should let you know that a co-worker snapped her head backward while laughing at one of my outfits and may have suffered whiplash. Is this the sort of thing that is covered under Worker's Compensation?

Again, I apologize for not coming clean before now. I was hoping you would never find out, but.....as we don't wear uniforms, it was just a matter of time, really.


P.S. I have attached a picture of the shoe in question. Please have mercy on me. Leniency is appreciated! I know now that the only thing that could possibly appropriately accompany these shoes would be a full-length rainbow-coloured fur coat and a hat with a feather protruding from it, but still I beg for mercy.