22 December 2007

One feeling: PAIN

I realized today that I vacillate between complete numbness and exquisite pain. At times the pain is so real that it feels physical, not just emotional. It seems like a movie is playing over and over in my head. Mom has told me countless times that when I was born Jim was so excited and that he used to come home from school and ask, excitedly, "Is Cyndi awake? Can I wake her up?" In some ways I think that his excitement never waned. He was always so eager to give me advice, even if,.....ahem.......some of it was unwanted. A couple of weeks ago I said to my husband,"who is going to give me all that advice now?!"

I realize that none of this is articulate. I think I have lost that ability at the moment. It seems like all I can say is that this hurts, it's wrong and I'm sad. In real life, I say nothing. I have no desire to engage in conversation. I keep hoping against hope that, sometime soon, someone will come and wake me up and say,"I'm so sorry, we were just playing a joke on you, Jim is fine!" Please, God, make that true! Please make him okay again. Please make him the argumentative, conspiracy-theory-loving, cynical Jim we know and love.


Because, God, I can't breathe while he is dying.

14 December 2007

Denial is a stupid word

I now hate, loathe and despise this word.

My brother was diagnosed this week with Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. He has 3-6 months to live. If you knew my brother at all you know that he is so strong and works harder than some men who are half his age. (he is 47, by the way) He is a Certified Arborist and threw trees that were over 200 pounds. Now he can barely walk. His speech is hard to understand.

This disease has robbed us of our Jim so quickly. He knew he was getting sick, but we didn't know exactly what the illness was. Multiple Sclerosis? Lou Gherig's Disease? Parkinson's?

So, back to this word I hate. Every single moment of my day I find myself thinking,"This can't be true, he is so strong" or "I don't think I heard the Dr. correctly, this must be wrong." I told Katy's Girl Scout leader last night about the diagnosis and thought to myself,"Now, why did you just tell her that? I don't think it is true!" And, yes, I've taken Psychology, too, I know that it is denial, but this week it sounds like such a stupid word!!