26 May 2009

Not in London

As I was rushing around yesterday trying to do a quick "get-ready" so we could go swimsuit shopping (an endeavor that I should REALLY only undertake fully drunk on Malibu Rum!) I received a phone call from Friend Kara informing me that someone had hacked my Facebook page and was asking my friends for money so I could "get home from London where I'm stranded"!!

So, let me officially set the record straight. I am not in London. I am here, where I live, in Oklahoma City and have never actually BEEN to London, except in my dreams and while getting lost in a good book. I was not mugged in the park in London and my cell phone was not stolen. I do not require monies sent to a paypal account so I can get home.

I am here. Still here.

I would LIKE to go to London, but it's not looking likely at the moment. I'm too busy getting my ego crushed by swimsuit shopping. It is REALLY disheartening to lose 50 pounds and STILL not fit into any suits.

What would any self-respecting chubby girl do after realizing that no swimsuits fit? That's right, I went directly to the market and bought ice cream.

I really had no other choice.

As I was feeling sorry for myself what with the ill-fitting swimwear and the hacking of my facebook page I thought about how it was Memorial Day, after all and others have sacrificed their very lives for my freedom.

Really, when you put it that way, what do I have to complain about?! I'll bet you anything that the servicemembers who have died on our behalf, so we could experience freedom, would gladly deal with a bad clothes-shopping experience or a facebook hack just to be alive.

When you think about it that way.........my day wasn't that bad after all.

23 May 2009

Mr. Morton is the subject of the sentence......

And what the predicate says he does!

I awoke this morning to my children watching SchoolHouse Rock. When this song came on Kirk said, "oh, I LOVE Mr. Morton!" so I started singing the song to Jake as if HE were the subject of the song:

"Oh, Jake is the subject of the sentence

And what the predicate says he does!"

Then we started coming up with all sorts of things that Jake DOES on a daily basis. I printed the words up on sentence strip paper (found at Lakeshore Learning Store....LOVE that place!) and had Jake cut them out. It was Jake's first day practicing his scissor skills and I had completely forgotten just how much skill and effort is required in using scissors! That boy is a real whiz with the scissors!

I just LOVE SchoolHouse Rock!

MRI Results

The pulsatile tinnitus thing is still from some unknown source, but he said that the memory loss was most likely due to insomnia and the insomnia most likely due to anxiety. He asked, "what could be causing your anxiety?"

I told him, "My husband's mother-in-law lives with us".

I believe that is in the category of 'Nuff Said.

I love Kirk and I knew that his mother-in-law was part of the deal. So, where does that leave me but where I currently reside: setting up a standing date with Xanax?

20 May 2009


Preliminary MRI reports indicate that I still have a brain in my head. (Some may have been wondering after my recent run-in with a brick wall, drowning my cell phone and plopping my less-than-graceful self down into a pile of PlayDough.)

And, then there is always the fashion disaster that I call my wardrobe.

After spending almost an hour inside that magnetic tunnel I can truly say that I understand, no, REALLY understand the meaning of the word, “boredom”. It would have been much more manageable if they had let me take my laptop in with me. I entertained myself by trying to think of the names of






Then, when I got tired of that I went back and alphabetized everybody’s names in my head. When I got to Z (thank you, Zonya!) I tried to think of a spice for every letter of the alphabet.

After awhile I found myself lying there thinking, “what’s the point? They aren’t going to find anything, anyway and I will spend the rest of my life being lost and not knowing why".

Lately, I tell Kirk the same thing over and over and over again. I told him that I hope don't end up like Drew Barrymore's character on 50 First Dates.

Results tomorrow.

07 May 2009

Open Letter to My Boss

Open Letter to My Boss:

Dear A,
There is something you should know. I should have disclosed this information during the interview, the background check, the second interview, the week-long employee training or even the new hire orientation. Since I did not divulge this information then I can only beg forgiveness and come clean now.

It seems that I have a Genetic Fashion Deficit (GFD) and I have known for some time. I apologize now for not confessing earlier. In truth, I hoped that my disability could live in blessed obscurity. With an ill-timed Ebay purchase, however, obscurity was not to be mine. While searching Ebay, and drunk on the power of a newly acquired paycheck, I clicked “bid on this item” before truly considering how such a purchase could affect family members, friends, clients and coworkers. The tears of laughter coming from clients as they viewed my hideous footwear is evidence that I can no longer keep my fashion dysfunction quiet any longer.

Up above you can view the horror I have described here. One can only hope that now, as sandal season approaches I can darken the doorstep of our office in more fashion-forward choices.

One can only hope.

I should let you know that a co-worker snapped her head backward while laughing at one of my outfits and may have suffered whiplash. Is this the sort of thing that is covered under Worker's Compensation?

Again, I apologize for not coming clean before now. I was hoping you would never find out, but.....as we don't wear uniforms, it was just a matter of time, really.


P.S. I have attached a picture of the shoe in question. Please have mercy on me. Leniency is appreciated! I know now that the only thing that could possibly appropriately accompany these shoes would be a full-length rainbow-coloured fur coat and a hat with a feather protruding from it, but still I beg for mercy.