29 September 2008

Hair Tantrums

Here I sit, just moments away from unleashing the truth of just how diabolical their litle schemes have been of late and what happens? My Ambien begins to kick in. Smart lil' buggers, I'm sure they have figured out a way to keep me eyelids from remainin' open, they have. They think that they can silence me, but they can't, I tell you.

My follicles, the whispery bits that lie atop me head, they are turnin' against me, AGAINST ME, I tell you!!!

You see, that it does seem as if perhaps my hair is having a bit of a perpetual temper tantrum. (and we blasphemously use the term lightly). I walk about as if I had glued orange hay to me head and attempted a cruel perm.

The worst part is that I sense a definite passive-aggressive quality to it. If I try to encourage the curl then I get these freaky (AND FRIZZY, I'M DAMNED TO HAVE YOU KNOW!!!)straight parts. What sense am I to make so such a thing?

BUT,-If I try to straighten these wicked tresses, to bring 'em into some sort of line or order I am met with such a fierce resistance, the sort to make me wonder if that is what the Capt'n felt on that blustery even'n on the Titanic's last list. I pick up me resolve, I do and, holding onto the bravery of those who have gone before, why Rosie and her Riveter, there, such images, they shall soldier us on another day, no?

This is what I do, I tell ya'. I try to straighten me waves and cruls, the wretched things and these damn waves and curves, straight from the hellish pit of fire, I tell you, they enter my hair straight up through the bottom, as if coming straight out of me. They are like weeds, I tell you, weeds in an otherwise perfectly respectable garden.

I, for one, have had my fill with the lot of them. Show me a cancer patient who is losing her hair and I will gladly give her mine and just draw a smiley face on my bald scalp. I'm sick of these shenanigans. Guess what, HairOfMine? I could get rid of you!!!! For Good!!!! Whaddya thinka' that?!

Goodnight! You'd better be behavin' by mornin!!

03 September 2008

A Blog Disclaimer

I just spent the past ten minutes reading a blog written by a woman I will never live up to. She spends her life creating such beautiful things for her home and family. I'm not even going to give you the link for fear you will defect to her blog and I will lose you forever.

I just gotta tell you, in the spirit of fairness and full disclosure: If you are reading this blog for some fabulous ideas on how to creatively decorate your home? Move on. If you are reading this blog for some sort of educational inspiration? Move on.

If, on the other hand, you want to read rants, hallucinations, the odd haiku about my preference for Twizzlers to turnips, and the general mental meanderings of an exhausted and perpetually irritated mom, then stick with me. There are so many people exasperating me at the moment that I scarcely know where to begin.

Cakewrecks Blog

OhMyNOODness! You must check out the Cakewrecks blog! Some pictures are NSFK, so be aware. Too funny and make sure you scroll down through all 3 or 4 pages. Some of them made me laugh so hard my gut hurt.



01 September 2008

Haiku of necessity

Toddlers loud in here

Headache-splitting, dontcha' know?

But I still like them.


The spider scares me

Scampering across my floor

You: Under the mug!


Mosquitos love me

My pale flesh is so tasty

And so now I itch.


Oh, Bluegrass Music

Makes me want to hurl, it does

Too twangy for me.

Inebriated Dental Rant

I went to the dentist recently for a routine cleaning. He has a new hygienist with the warmth of a snake with a bellyache. She 'accidentally' jammed the metal pick into my tender gumflesh. After I pleaded with her to be more careful with my pitiful bleat of a "hey!" she sidled off, other patients to torture, other gums to pick.

The dentist came in and the first thing he said was, "so, do you still want to move back to Illinois?" I was stunned. I didn't even realize that he knew that I was from Illinois, let alone have been longing to return. As I spoke to a friend on the phone, musing as to how the dentist could have come across such personal information, she asked,"the last time you saw him......were you on drugs?"

Thank you, Becky, for pointing out that it was probably just another one of my inebriated rants that gave him a clue. I'm none too sure, but I suspect that it played out like this:

"Hi, Dr., yes, I am getting pretty numb. What did I have for breakfast? Oh, just the Valium you prescribed. No, I don't feel much of anything. By the way, I wanna move back to Illinois, some days I don't floss and in 6th Grade I let Jessica cheat off my paper in History class and in high school when I told my mom that I was spending the night at Amy's house we were really on the Freeburg Bridge drinking Bartles and James wine coolers and eating Doritos. Oh, and one more thing: I let the dogs out. It was me."

The Word of the Month

The word of the month is "HA". I will tell you this: I may veer from this path. I don't feel very "ha" on some days. I read on Carol S.'s blog that her husband is using P90X. I sent her a message asking if he likes it. It looks like a good program, but I'm sure it will make me cry at some point.

Last night I finished French Lessons by Alice Kaplan. Wow. I can't explain it. I wouldn't be able to do it justice. Just, please: read it. Especially if you are attempting to learn a foreign language. READ IT.