New Year's Resolutions

This year I resolve to get in worse shape than I was in last year.

This year I resolve to drive to the bathroom and, in other words, get even less physical activity in my day than ever before.

This year I resolve to do one push-up and/or crunch.


This year I will increase my intake of dark chocolate and decrease my intake of dark, leafy greens.

This year I will drink more hot chocolate and less skim milk.


This year I will have more sex, more leisure and less work. One must balance ones’ life after all.


This year I resolve to never wear pantyhose or anything tight or constricting. I have one life to live and I do not intend to meet death with a tightly cinched waistband.

This year if I want to play hooky from the homeschooling moms get-together and stay home and tap dance on my back patio I will and if anyone wants to say anything about it I will quickly transfer that phone call to my dial tone.

This year I will not waste my time with snooty stuck up know-it-all’s. If I don’t enjoy your company then I won’t spend time with you. (except for my friends that I really WANT to see, but don’t have time for: good luck figuring out which group you belong to!)

This year I will not freak out if my kindergarten-aged son doesn’t read Shakespeare and diagram sentences. I will remember this year that childhood is fleeting and stopping to watch a possum eat your cat’s dinner on the back porch is a joy to behold and should NOT be rushed!

This year I will take a moment to record my two-year old pointing to her brother’s screwdriver and shouting, “snoospida!” That voice, this moment,…..my heart!