One feeling: PAIN

I realized today that I vacillate between complete numbness and exquisite pain. At times the pain is so real that it feels physical, not just emotional. It seems like a movie is playing over and over in my head. Mom has told me countless times that when I was born Jim was so excited and that he used to come home from school and ask, excitedly, "Is Cyndi awake? Can I wake her up?" In some ways I think that his excitement never waned. He was always so eager to give me advice, even if,.....ahem.......some of it was unwanted. A couple of weeks ago I said to my husband,"who is going to give me all that advice now?!"

I realize that none of this is articulate. I think I have lost that ability at the moment. It seems like all I can say is that this hurts, it's wrong and I'm sad. In real life, I say nothing. I have no desire to engage in conversation. I keep hoping against hope that, sometime soon, someone will come and wake me up and say,"I'm so sorry, we were just playing a joke on you, Jim is fine!" Please, God, make that true! Please make him okay again. Please make him the argumentative, conspiracy-theory-loving, cynical Jim we know and love.


PLEASE!!!

Because, God, I can't breathe while he is dying.

Denial is a stupid word

I now hate, loathe and despise this word.


My brother was diagnosed this week with Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. He has 3-6 months to live. If you knew my brother at all you know that he is so strong and works harder than some men who are half his age. (he is 47, by the way) He is a Certified Arborist and threw trees that were over 200 pounds. Now he can barely walk. His speech is hard to understand.

This disease has robbed us of our Jim so quickly. He knew he was getting sick, but we didn't know exactly what the illness was. Multiple Sclerosis? Lou Gherig's Disease? Parkinson's?

So, back to this word I hate. Every single moment of my day I find myself thinking,"This can't be true, he is so strong" or "I don't think I heard the Dr. correctly, this must be wrong." I told Katy's Girl Scout leader last night about the diagnosis and thought to myself,"Now, why did you just tell her that? I don't think it is true!" And, yes, I've taken Psychology, too, I know that it is denial, but this week it sounds like such a stupid word!!

The moments we don't photograph

I have been thinking all week long of all of those moments that we never seem to photograph. We take pictures of weddings and other celebrations, but we never seem to get the ones that spell out our regular, everyday lives.


This afternoon I was making lunch and throwing together a batch of chocolate chip cookies. I looked up to see Jake's sweet face perched on the edge of the counter. He was saying, "cookie. cookie. Mommy baking". It just about melted my heart. When he wakes up from his nap it is always a toss-up. Is he going to be really sweet and cute and ready to take on the world or just really ticked off and in a bad mood? We never know til we get there. Claire dances every single time she hears music. It is these little things we can never fully capture in a picture.


I came home Thursday night eager to tell Kirk and Mom that I got a good grade (much better than I expected!) on my Chemistry test. Before I could get the words out she told me that my brother is back in the hospital and couldn't walk. It was one of those surreal moments that takes your breath away and makes you forget whatever it is you thought was important just moments ago.

It was one of those times we never photograph. That look of horror on someone's face when they get bad news, that tearful sigh when we realize we don't know what is to come. It is those moments that hurt so deeply, but those are the ones that our memories are made of. It's too bad we can't capture all of it, the good AND the bad.

I was lied to. (Don't let this happen to YOU!)

Dear Sunsweet Growers, Inc.,
You lied to me. I believed you. Why shouldn’t I? I have never known you to lie to me in the past, so when I saw your commercial on television proclaiming that your individually packaged prunes tasted “just like candy” I got sucked in. I believed you. I bought a cylinder full of your lies. I brought it home hopeful that I could like this fruit that had eluded my love in the past. With one bite my faith in you was shattered. I believe that what you meant to say in your advertisement was, “it’s a prune. It doesn’t taste like candy at all, but we hope that you’ll buy it anyway”. Is that what you meant?

I have news for you. All of you at Sunsweet Growers in Yuba City, California, please take note: Your prunes do not taste like candy at all. They do, in fact, taste rather similar to very large raisins. Please do not mistake them for candy in the future.
And, for the record, I consider your ill-placed “75 cents off coupon” inside the container to be a very cruel joke indeed. Of course I would like to save money, but not if it means buying any more of these so-called “candies” of yours.

Thank you for your time,
~Cyndi

P.S. Your website proclaims that your prunes are “irresistibly delicious”. Please……stop the deception.

Roasted Green Chilis....Mmmmm!

This morning Claire and I went to the Farmer's Market. They have all sorts of wonderful stuff there-fresh produce, homegrown herbs and potpourri, homemade soaps and lotions, mums, etc. Oh, and freshly baked breads, pies and cookies. I like looking at the baked goods, but I don't buy them. It just makes me want to go home and bake them myself, ya know?

So, for the second time I bought these roasted green chilis from Wayne Whitmore at Whitmore Farms. He roasts the BEST green chilis in the whole world!! I bought three bags of them today because the ONE I bought a couple a weeks ago only lasted about 24 hours. Here are some pics.

This is Wayne actually roasting the chilis in front of God and everyone. Don't they look good? I wish you could smell 'em, they are just amazing!

Here's another one:

I'm using this pepper as an air freshener in the car. It makes it smell like a Mexican restaurant in there!

I came home and made Chicken Fajitas. Oh,yum! Tomorrow I am going to make a baked potato and green chili with cheese concoction.

You can find Wayne's Awesome Chilis at Whitmore Farms, 10320 W. 140th, Coyle, OK (I have no idea where that is!), 73027 or call them at (405) 466-2279. The business card reads, "call late" under the phone number, so.....a word to the wise is sufficient, as Mrs. Wingfield used to say.

Bedtime Betrayal

Our Claire is a social sort who absolutely LOATHES bedtime. Here is a picture of her despair. Every single night it is that look on her face that just screams, "how could you?!"

That is her sweet older sister Katy taking her off to bed. She's gonna remember this, Katy.

What is a life worth, anyway?

I went to the Dr. Tuesday for a routine follow-up appointment because he had changed my blood pressure medication yet again. After all the pleasantries and finding out that my blood pressure is now down to normal, I mentioned that I still had that sound of blood pounding in my right ear. He got me an appointment with a Neurologist that same day.

I went to the Neurologist and after a thorough examination that included having me saunter down the hallway twice, he concluded that I needed an MRI with MRA and MRV. (MRI with angiogram and venogram) His secretary, Ashley called Aetna to get pre-authorization prior to making the appointment for me. While Ashley was talking to the representative for Aetna a very strange yet meaningful conversation took place. Ashley stated that she was calling to get pre-authorization for an MRI, MRV and MRA, with and without contrast. I heard the following statements being uttered by Ashley, “Well, Dr. Smith is wanting these tests because she has high blood pressure.” And “She has been having headaches, too” then later “She has been experiencing dizziness” then still later, “Well, her brother had two strokes in June and her father died of a stroke”.


It felt as if Ashley was being asked to justify why *I* was worthy (or rather, my symptoms were worthy) of these medical tests. It felt as if she was being asked to put a value on my life. I halfway expected to hear, “well, I don’t know how she makes her cookies”…. “Ma’am, when you bake chocolate chip cookies, do you make them chewy or crispy?......She said chewy,….Okay, you get the MRI.” OR “Her hair looks good, but she has pores you could drive a truck through. Okay, I understand, I’ll tell her she can’t have the MRI.” I kept wondering why the insurance company requires an order from a specialist if they second-guess the specialist's assessment that these tests are necessary?

It made me start thinking about what I have done with my life and what I have accomplished. I wondered if it all came down to one phone call with a stranger, how would I describe my life? What would I be proud of and what regrets would I have? Just a little pensive, way-too-introspective food for thought for this week.